Tonight I watched a new film that came out on Netflix – To The Bone, which was about a young girl named Ellen and her battle with anorexia nervosa. Now, this got me thinking about myself. I’m not anorexic, but I have confidence issues which I haven’t admitted to anyone, maybe a selective few but it’s hard to show anyone your weaknesses.
Now, I was very sporty in my younger years and quite slim but as puberty hit weight came with it. I remember as I went up a grade at school, work load got heavier and time got less and less and found myself not doing much exercise. I was probably my fattest in year six, where my shirts got too tight and had a muffin top when I wore my skirt. I started to try different methods of dieting, eating more veggies and yogurt but I was constantly nagged that I had a “rubber tire” and needed to do something about it.
I mean, I had the motivation to loose the weight but school was exhausting and never had the energy to hit the gym or go for a run. I always required brain power to study, I was always up till crazy hours of the morning finishing a project or writing an essay (most likely due to my dyslexia which I was unaware of at the time). I started to comfort eat and from then my weight yo yo’d up and down. I didn’t really feel normal till I left home and moved to London.
Now, my first year of uni was fun but tough. I had gone from having meals provided, washing done and support from my family to having to do everything myself, including my finances. I wasn’t completely useless, but I had to learn a few things. I was at an okay weight and felt comfortable wearing dresses. But as time went on, things got intense and comfort eating kicked in again. I didn’t have the nagging which helped which I didn’t have any support either.
My second, repeat second and final year were all just as stressful and my weight again yo yo’d. I would hate going shopping because I would think everything looked ugly on me, jeans had a muffin top, jeans had a camel toe and that lovely tight dress just showed my tummy. Jeans that fitted and oversized jumpers became my best friends.
Now that I’ve almost reached graduation, I feel a huge weight off my shoulders and decided coming the USA was the best place for the summer to too work on myself. I’ve been at my happiest here and absolutely love my job. Although I do find myself changing my outfits a few times, looking into the mirror to point out the flaws I’m slowly coming to accepting myself. I am beautiful and I am a worthy human being. It’s taken time to accept anything to do with weight and food and I’ve come far from what I was. I want to thank my closest and dear friends for all the support and wise words 🙂
It’s time to self love, self care and that people will judge and it’s up to you to tune it out. You are beautiful whatever size.